BCI NET 2

home *** CD-ROM | disk | FTP | other *** search

/ BCI NET 2 / BCI NET 2.iso / archives / textfiles / jokes1.lha / jokes_1 / Fortune_Cookie_Sayings < prev next >

Wrap

Text File | 2002-08-23 | 17.0 KB | 683 lines

From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159. OH MY GOD- A COMPLETE LIST OF FORTUNE COOKY SAYINGS... Digital circuits are made from analog parts. Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist! Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? He who hesitates is last. Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder. A man's house is his hassle. Chaste makes waste. An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran. A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. Any IC protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. Neutrinos have bad breadth. Programmers get overlaid. Jesus Saves, but Johnson scores on the rebound. In case of injury notify your superior immediately - He'll kiss it and make it better! GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error. Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4. Reality is for people who can't face science fiction. Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. Shift to the left, shift to the right, mask in, mask out, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !! People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. Friction is a drag. Heisenburg may have slept here. What fools these morals be! Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. Love America - or give it back. Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory. Biology grows on you. Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Go climb a gravity well. A man's best friend is his dogma. A penny saved is ridiculous. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to tell such LIES! Every interesting program has at least one variable, one branch, and one loop .......... And at least one bug! That does not compute. No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Schizophrenia beats being alone. Battle Creek makes cereal terminals. To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. Jesus Saves - Vishnu invests. If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Boycott meat - suck your thumb. He who laughs last didn't get the joke. Old musicians never die, they just decompose. Invest in physics - own a piece of Dirac! We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn! Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Walt Disney is in suspended animation. An elephant is a mouse built to Mil-spec. Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. I found a pile of them over in the corner. Burroughs programmers have to pay a Poll tax. If it works, Don't fix it. Alex Haley was adopted! He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. Gravity brings me down. When you're up to your hips in alligators, You forget the original project was to drain the swamp. Everyone is entitled to my opinion. Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door. Call out the vice squad! Someone's mounting a disk drive! He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. Sorry No COOKIES today!! Lake Erie died for your sins. While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours. The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up! He keeps differentiating.... flying off on a tangent. May all your PUSHes be POPed. COLE's LAW - Thinly sliced cabbage. This is a GENUINE Cookie! Don't be fooled by cheap imitations! Do married women make the best wives? Three can keep a secret, if two are dead. Morfy's law - Enythink thit ken go rong willl. Is a Jamaican terminal a raster-farian? Mount St. Helens should have used earth control. Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On. He who laughs last is probably your boss. Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup). It is hard to soar with the eagles when you work with the turkeys. Nuke the Whales! Basic is a high level languish. Prunes give you a run for your money. Drilling for oil is boring. Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling. This cookie is void where prohibited, licensed, or taxed. More people have died in Teddy Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. Reagan in '84...... Bush in '85. Teachers have class. This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) Tennis players have fuzzy balls. The solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise for the reader. Do not read this cookie under penalty of law. Physicists get hadrons. Female programmers get their bits twiddled. Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie). Constants aren't; variables don't. You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split. Sex is like euchre; if you don't have a partner, you'd better have a good hand! Next time, give "the gift that keeps on giving": a female kitten. Mobius strippers never show you their back side. Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax. Klein bottle for rent - inquire within. Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." Midas was into golden showers. Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. Neutrinos are into physicists. On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise: "Where no man has gone before" Celibacy is NOT hereditary. Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. On a clear disk you can seek forever. Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! Entropy isn't what it used to be. Oh you never would believe where these little cookies come from... Neuroses are red, Melancholia's blue. I'm schizophrenic, What are you? Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid, Open it and you remove all doubt. This cookie will soon appear as a Bantam paperback. Save Soviet Jews! Collect them or trade them with your friends. Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. Weekend, where are you? Grass is nature's way of saying "High!" Acid consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality. LSD melts your mind, not in your hand. Individualists unite! Money is the root of all wealth. Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. Remember, the fact that you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you! Men have many faults, Women only two: Everything they say, And everything they do! Happiness is twin floppies. Happiness is a hard disk. Teamwork is vital! (It gives you someone to blame.) Keep America Beautiful.... emigrate. Disregard the previous cookie. If God had been in favor of homosexuality, He never would have created Anita Bryant! If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? I'm all for computer dating, But I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. If you eat yogurt you'll have lots of culture. Chemists really know their bismuth. If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane! The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. Documentation is the castor oil of programming ... Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system. The bearing of a child takes nine months, no matter how many women are assigned to the project. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. Computers Unite! You have nothing to lose but your operators. Eschew Obfuscation! Are movies about Vulcans Pathe-logical? Recursive, adj.; see Recursive This cookie intentionally left empty. An expert is someone from out of town. If you see an onion ring - answer it! Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM! Don't read this cookie! Poverty begins at home. Do it today, Tomorrow it will be illegal. In case of fire, yell "FIRE!" Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. This cookie back by popular demand! Rubber bands have snappy endings! Old frogs never die, But they do croak! COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. Every time I lose weight, It finds me again! An idle mind is worth two in the bush. It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. It's better to copulate than never! A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent - it says so right here on the label. Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. Clones are people two. Microwaves frizz your heir. Laetrile is the pits. Neil Armstrong tripped. God did not create the world in seven days.- He partied for six and then pulled an all-nighter. When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue. To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and Incommode You". Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray. For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways. Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny. Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy! Going the speed of light is bad for your age. White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. Polymer physicists are into chains. Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. On all lasergrams: Don't forget the Zap code. Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. There's no future in time travel. Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. Take an astronaut to launch. Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. Confucious say too damn much! Reality does not exist - yet. Sentient plasmoids are a gas. Xerox never comes up with anything original. Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist. Never leave anything to chance; make sure all your crimes are premeditated. If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? Small programs are for small minds. All programmers want arrays! I BM. You BM. We all BM for IBM! Satyrs have more faun. Cobol programmers are down in the dumps. Lawyers do it in their briefs. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Things worth having are worth cheating for. Psychiatrists stay on your mind. Fauns are never Satyr-sfied! Astronauts get missile-toe. If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down. Mrs. Ghandi is in a sari state. Sorry - the Cookie Monster got here first. Help! I'm being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory! Raise ducks for quack profit. Part-time musicians are semiconductors. If it works, Don't fix it. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Interchangeable parts won't. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it. Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal, if you are all thumbs. We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career. The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been defined several times by example of what it is not. APL is a write only language: You can write programs in it; but try and read them! Don't sweat it - it's only ones and zeros. If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool. Practiss makes perfict. The devil finds work for idle glands. A friend in need is a pest indeed. Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages will be known, far and w ide, as a smart-ass. Two is company, three is an orgy. Let him who is stoned cast the first sin. He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck. Women should be obscene and not heard. Children should be obscene and not heard. Do unto others before they undo you. Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first! He who hesitates is constipated. Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. The best things in life are for a fee. He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end I wouldn't be suprised! How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? Topologists are just plane folks. Pilots are just plane folks. Carpenters are just plane folks. Midwest farmers are just plain folks. Musicians are just playin' folks. Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks. Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks. You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses. Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. Astronauts are out to launch. Winter is I-commin back! Zen Druids practice Transcendental Vegetation. If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut? gardeners are prone to sod-den decisions! Be alert, America needs more lerts. Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot. There is no such thing as a "Fail Safe" design. No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing. Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks. Engineers do it precisely. Technicians do it a lot. Computer Engineers do it bit by bit. All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness. Poverty is the root of all evil. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa. Archaeologists take sedimental journeys. Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations. A closed mouth gathers no feet. Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to. Smile! Things can only get worse. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance. There are two kinds of people in this world: Those that want to BE something, and those that want to DO something. (There is less competition in the second category.) Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. Vice Versa - poems about brothels? Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo. From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159.